Snark Bites: Gun-rights advocates demand citizenship for firearms
By Scott McNutt
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Governor-elect Bill Haslam's support of employees bringing handguns on their employers' property and his willingness to sign legislation doing away with handgun permits has gun enthusiasts clamoring for more. Encouraged by the Knoxville mayor's campaign statements on loosening gun restrictions, a gun-rights group is demanding that Haslam grant citizenship to all guns in Tennessee - even the illegal ones.
After Haslam's election victory Tuesday, Will Popakapeneu, spokesperson for GUARDDOG (Gunners United to Advance the Rights, Divine and Decreed, of Our Guns), tried to present Haslam with a proclamation decreeing citizenship for guns.
"GUARDDOG supports full citizenship for our friend, the firearm," Popakapeneu said. "We believe that all guns are created equal, that they are endowed by their creators with certain unalienable rights, and that additional rights can be decreed for them. Since America was built on the blood, threat and fears of firearms, and since guns have resided here for generations by our sides, they deserve the same rights as other residents. It's the height of hypocrisy to have them licensed like dogs for the privilege of going openly in our state."
Haslam spokeswoman Dee Seaver declined to accept the proclamation, saying that the governor-elect felt addressing guns' citizenship was "premature." She added that Haslam's remarks on handgun permits had been misconstrued, describing his position as "far more nuanced than the mayor's words might have led some to believe."
Asked if she could clarify what "nuanced" meant in the context of Haslam's statement that he would sign legislation ending handgun licensure if it were presented to him, Seaver replied that she was "using it in the sense that Mayor Haslam told an audience something it wanted to hear, not necessarily something he actually meant."
Undaunted, GUARDDOG members said they their crusade for guns' rights would continue. Group member Gunsel Gaddam said Haslam's endorsement of employees bringing guns to their employers' parking lots wasn't enough.
"Allowing guns in parking lots isn't sufficient - My gun needs to be wherever I am, because guns are deeply insecure," he explained. "Do you know that guns are frequently targeted in home burglaries? So they're right to feel insecure about their safety. That's right, guns having feelings, too. For instance, mine feels cold and lethal in my grasp just now. But by itself, it just feels cold and lonely. So guns should no more be left alone than toddlers should be. It's cruel and unusual to separate gun enthusiasts and their charges."
Popakapeneu said it was disrespectful of guns' contributions to American culture to deprive them of citizenship.
"Consider guns' place in our history," he urged. "Where would America be today if the pilgrims had tried to conquer the natives with flinty resolve instead of flintlocks, if Prescott of Bunker Hill had ordered, 'Don't shoot the breeze until you see the whites of their eyes,' or John Wayne had shot Liberty Valance only a look that could kill? Granting guns citizenship simply recognizes that guns are fundamental to our way of life. Besides, legally or illegally, they're everywhere, and citizenship will fully integrate them into society."
Gaddam added that whether guns were in Tennessee legally or illegally, all should be candidates for citizenship.
"Guns in Tennessee illegally are like immigrants dragged to the U.S. in the white slave trade," he said. "They shouldn't be punished for crimes their captors force them to commit. They should be afforded the same chance to do some honest shooting that legal guns possess."
Seaver said the governor-elect had listened to GUARDDOG's proposals but was favoring a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy on guns' rights.
Humorist Scott McNutt may be reached at scott@scottmcnutt.com
http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2010/nov/06/gun-rights-advocates-demand-citizenship-for/
After Haslam's election victory Tuesday, Will Popakapeneu, spokesperson for GUARDDOG (Gunners United to Advance the Rights, Divine and Decreed, of Our Guns), tried to present Haslam with a proclamation decreeing citizenship for guns.
"GUARDDOG supports full citizenship for our friend, the firearm," Popakapeneu said. "We believe that all guns are created equal, that they are endowed by their creators with certain unalienable rights, and that additional rights can be decreed for them. Since America was built on the blood, threat and fears of firearms, and since guns have resided here for generations by our sides, they deserve the same rights as other residents. It's the height of hypocrisy to have them licensed like dogs for the privilege of going openly in our state."
Haslam spokeswoman Dee Seaver declined to accept the proclamation, saying that the governor-elect felt addressing guns' citizenship was "premature." She added that Haslam's remarks on handgun permits had been misconstrued, describing his position as "far more nuanced than the mayor's words might have led some to believe."
Asked if she could clarify what "nuanced" meant in the context of Haslam's statement that he would sign legislation ending handgun licensure if it were presented to him, Seaver replied that she was "using it in the sense that Mayor Haslam told an audience something it wanted to hear, not necessarily something he actually meant."
Undaunted, GUARDDOG members said they their crusade for guns' rights would continue. Group member Gunsel Gaddam said Haslam's endorsement of employees bringing guns to their employers' parking lots wasn't enough.
"Allowing guns in parking lots isn't sufficient - My gun needs to be wherever I am, because guns are deeply insecure," he explained. "Do you know that guns are frequently targeted in home burglaries? So they're right to feel insecure about their safety. That's right, guns having feelings, too. For instance, mine feels cold and lethal in my grasp just now. But by itself, it just feels cold and lonely. So guns should no more be left alone than toddlers should be. It's cruel and unusual to separate gun enthusiasts and their charges."
Popakapeneu said it was disrespectful of guns' contributions to American culture to deprive them of citizenship.
"Consider guns' place in our history," he urged. "Where would America be today if the pilgrims had tried to conquer the natives with flinty resolve instead of flintlocks, if Prescott of Bunker Hill had ordered, 'Don't shoot the breeze until you see the whites of their eyes,' or John Wayne had shot Liberty Valance only a look that could kill? Granting guns citizenship simply recognizes that guns are fundamental to our way of life. Besides, legally or illegally, they're everywhere, and citizenship will fully integrate them into society."
Gaddam added that whether guns were in Tennessee legally or illegally, all should be candidates for citizenship.
"Guns in Tennessee illegally are like immigrants dragged to the U.S. in the white slave trade," he said. "They shouldn't be punished for crimes their captors force them to commit. They should be afforded the same chance to do some honest shooting that legal guns possess."
Seaver said the governor-elect had listened to GUARDDOG's proposals but was favoring a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy on guns' rights.
Humorist Scott McNutt may be reached at scott@scottmcnutt.com
http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2010/nov/06/gun-rights-advocates-demand-citizenship-for/
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